everyday i have to scroll further down the messages app to see your name 
the only person with a contact photo
a big smile
today was shit and im exhausted
i screamed on the way home
bought beer& envisioned further screams
nocturnal intoxication
it's not worth the money
\ how can anyone live alone
in constant revolt
anger loops in my head 
sleeping on the floor 
dousing dreams
asexual wet dreams
sonic daydreams
the nightmare underneath
a snare drum to carry me off 
no, not to heaven my angel
i don't think anyone's gone to heaven
ever
i think jesus sits in the gold dry clouds alone
disease free 
& i caught a glimpse of the sleep in his eyes the goop the earthworm 
sleepy jesus 
baby i understand
he's tired 
of never getting tired
& soon, maybe tonight, 
i'll see him in the corner of my bedroom sobbing
& we'll share a smile

 the openness of a morning

without pressure

i lay my head on your soft lap — 

repeat a mantra of patience — 

urge myself to be centered — 

spring up and mumble about having to work on something run away and intentionally don’t turn around to see your dejection

stare at my computer screen

frozen by regret in the present moment

now on my cold lap sits a laptop and cup of coffee

things that can remain warm for a few hours and few minutes, respectively

i am perfectly centered 

and i smash my head through the computer screen in a show of my enlightenment 

and to mimick your soft lap

pixels mutilate my face 

something isnt quite right

 Tried to get ffucked up last night and failed

whats the cosmic significance of humiliation ?

im left with an almost-hungover feeling of stickiness

And the pumpkin bread was left out in the cold.

its a sign from the gods, or just a few people 

that didnt know any better 

if i saw you on the street today i would say "what a pleasant surprise"

my hobbies include // lucky to be me

hanging small objects from ceiling fans 

redirecting my trajectory abruptly while pacing

sometimes enjoying fruits

smashing guitars in my imagination 

bounciness

soft intimations

experiencing exercise-induced religious experiences

   

self mutilation

/selfmutilation

//selfmutilation

///self mutilation

 

forgetting 

------

cloud gazer self mutilator rotting string holding up memories hanging from old tree branches -- to see our lives as theatre with no god director and everyone's a bad improvisor -- i am losing interest in this show --  i hear the tapdancing troupe in the basement below i blast through the wrought iron door i broke my knuckles bloody fucked in the process of joining the madmen beneath the madmen beneath and i let out the secret i held above for so long and in my search for air eternal something changed -- now we stare into cob webbed corners, a widow delivers bread on tuesdays meanwhile the air above burns my lungs as i let go now i would say i want to kiss your forehead and fall asleep haha i want to smash my forehead against the cobblestone wall and bleed the gloom thud of a solitary headbutt -- the ears ring bleed the music recedes bleed light headed now bleed lighter now bleed cloud head bleed fading now fuck my life

 

until i see you 

sweet dreams

i am lucky to be me