"audio and video tapes discovered after vehicular suicide locked away by family"

 friday is everything i wanted but never got

not that i get it on friday,

i just feel the absence 

of all these things 

at once

call it a slow death 

each moment spread out

a little bit longer than the preceding one

for example

this moment one lasts maybe fifteen seconds:

she turns her head toward the the apartment window

face illuminated by the refracted afternoon light

obscured from me by falling brown hair

a thousand days later that same moment lasts an afternoon:

for six hours my eyes fixed on the same window

watching the sun crawl into and out of view again

it already happened, all of it

the machinations of the vhs player of my mind are dusted and worn

the tape is translucent after thousands of playbacks

the picture on the screen is becoming smaller and the sound dimmer

due to the proximity effect

as my futon sinks from my body 

further into the shag underneath the window

away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, 

only a landscape for someone else's life to fill

this week every day is friday

 wake up from a nap feels like i am somewhere else

curl my fingers into a ball in front of my eyes still i dead

remember and now now is being stretched into something i am to think

this week may last forever, every night every person in my dream

what a beautiful face on each each to remember forever at night

when i do remember forever i do remember forever

this week i am getting what i asked 

it is stretched out and painless

showering street lights 

warm and golden

around and over on the side

feels the same 

convince myself otherwise

around and over on the side

fluff my pillow

concussed and shallow 

scuffed concrete and no story to tell

it is no phone calls, no text messages,

a futon, tail lights, 

seven fridays to remember the meaningful moments up to this point now which is becoming less and less pointed and the moments less momentary: the vanilla cone chocolate with rainbow sprinkles now thinning out from each successive streetlight, the rain on the beach now thinning out

it's a thursday and a friday and like the others i have nothing to do

i will go in a nap and really, really, i really mean this, i really really mean this 

on this week i am experiencing everyday as friday and i tell my coworkers excitedly 

it doesn't matter and really it's fine

i text you when i get home that it doesn't matter and really it's fine

then put my phone in the abandoned desk 

then the futon again and not waiting for a reply but going

going in a nap and really it's fine

i have enough memories to go forever and you're in them

meet me at the reflection pond

yeah

by the library

ok 

i love you for the future

microphones

manufactured with

proximity effect in mind

gain in mind

sensitivity in mind

pickup patterns in mind

polaroid, solenoid, cardiod, omnidirectional minds

shotgun the mind

plugged into a source of phantom power

listening tirelessly until unplugged

i let the dream die again

facing the wall

i am a loathsome creature

i am all i am

i am all person 

nothing to be proud about

a thousand times

a thousand eyes mocking

deservedly 

i am no longer actively participating in this or that

there are spaces between things

things happen when they vibrate the air filling these spaces

i happen by sitting very still

a thing can't exist without vibrating

some things vibrate very quietly

those things exist still

the intangible 

expansion and contraction 

of ribs

i will remain 

a small and listening thing

until you read this

i'll know when you do

at that moment i'll move my hip toward something

and you'll know when i do

duty

i will leave town and tell no one

i will stay in town and tell everyone i left town

i will convince you