what i did on my birthday

every 15 minutes I started to cry 

i had a breakdown at work and took a clients kitchen knife into the bathroom with me to cut my wrists

i felt unloved and unlovable 

my parents are out of town and no one here knows that it’s my birthday 

now i’m alone in my bedroom getting wasted

every night, every night that i sleep at least, i have had nightmares with you in them

in all of them i’m being mocked, ridiculed, estranged, spited, cheated, and hurt. when i wake up from them it feels like something is ricocheting inside my head 

i am 22 and have to put down my pen 

the tremors are starting

it’s my birthday and thick clouds hang cover the sky

the rain will come

later

manual labor for the last two weeks

manual labor for two weeks to come

a breakdown today

i am 22

this year i will dig a hole straight down into the earth and

my disappear into it 

they will setup a monument around my deep dark hole

you’ll visit it every year on my birthday and cry

and i haven’t had anyone to tell about our problems