everything means something to me and it always hurts a little

the pursuit of nothingness

the rise in popularity 

of fasting and meditation

both of which confer 

a feeling of less self

the pursuit of nothingness

a seven year old girl whispers to her cat

"okay? you're always okay"'

and i cry about that and all the other

seven year old throughout the world

consoling soft animals after grown ups step on their tails 

on their way to their bedroom offices

like bedroom music production studios

but with sharper angles and fewer blankets

the summer i quit my day job and fully focused my attention on distracted thoughts

you mean more to me than i show

at night i replay the image of you turning your head away from me

then i get closer

the creases in your neck the perfumed red sox t shirt

then i get closer 

the cracks in your smooth lips

then i get closer

to your wet regurgitating heart

then i choke a little and wake to what actually happened

you flew to ohio and had your chest cut open and ribs broken

that actually happened 

im not imagining this

this isn't another misremembered dream

you actually had open heart surgery

and the scar 

a half-inch thick purple line running 

crudely

vertically 

down 

your chest

fading

a little more every day

as my presence in the external world -- 

no , that won't help -- 

just remember i'll try 

the night i lay on your coffee table and sang salt by alex g while you did something in your warmly lit room