8:58 pm
Cam: *close up photo of penne pasta with garlic, chunked tomatoes, grilled chicken, basil, and garlic bread in a white plastic bowl*
Cam: *close up photo of Elena and Cam's hands intertwined in natural lighting*
9:15 pm
Elena: looks good
9:20 pm
Cam: why are you upset with me
Elena: just don't like when you point out that i ask too many questions
Elena: feels bad
Cam: i'm sorry i could have been more kind
Elena: it's fine
Cam: i want to be more kind with you
Elena: what do you mean
Cam: i mean when you're upset it makes me upset
Cam: i want to be more kind with you so as to upset you less
Cam: if i can do that and still be honest and upfront with you
Elena: i think i have fairly tough skin for a lot of things that one just hits home i guess
Cam: ill just try to be more considerate
Cam: if im an irredeemable asshole then please let me know
Elena: you're not
Elena: i'm alright
Cam: okay
Cam: i think im not fun to be with sometimes
Elena: i had fun with you today
Elena: i could tell your energy was getting lower as the night went on
Elena: you seemed annoyed with me by the time we were eating
Cam: i wanted to be alone i think
Cam: or i was uncontrollably acting in a way that makes other people around me uncomfortable
Elena: you know you can just tell me when you want to be alone
Elena: i'd prefer that over feeling like a nuisance
Cam: that's what i mean
Cam: i make people feel like they are a nuisance
Elena: it's nothing you do
Elena: it's how i interpret myself
Elena: when you're quiet and calm and i am still making jokes or talking excessively i feel annoying because it's clear that you are not at that same level as me
Cam: if we're doing nothing then it's not annoying
Cam: if i am trying to focus on something, and i think it's obvious when i am, then i just don't want to be distracted
Cam: but just because i seem 'calm,' 'quiet,' doesn't mean you have to be calm and quiet too
Elena: well i know i don’t have to be but it’s hard not to feel like i’m overbearing or too much
Elena: like the moment you said i ask so many questions that was it and in my brain you had basically confirmed that i am intensely annoying and i hated myself for everything i’d said for like the past hour
Elena: and had i been quiet or calm or at your level then it wouldn’t have happened and i wouldn’t have felt annoying
Cam: i should have just considered your question for what it was and answered it
Cam: instead i used the question to make a general statement about your character
Cam: the general statement wasn’t about your asking too many questions
Cam: it was about your questions suggesting some kind of weak mindedness
Cam: which was just some kind of self imposing on my part
Elena: oh
Cam: i dont really think you are weak minded
Cam: i only thought that because in that moment it didn’t line up with some ideal i had or have about how people should see the world
Cam: you asked if people knew that the trails around school were used by students
Cam: you asked if anyone was allowed to crawl up on the outdoor stage and perform like that bassist
Elena: i know you are being upfront and honest with me and i appreciate that but somehow this new angle hurts quite a lot more and i hadn’t realized the depth or meaning of your comment i guess and now i want to go take a shower
Cam: and i just thought and said without considering the thought that you look for permission too much and you have some kind of ‘domesticated’ way of thinking
Elena: i didn’t know i look for permission too much
Cam: that might not have been my exact thought
Cam: either way i was judging your character which i promised myself i wouldn’t do until i myself had nothing about my character that could be criticized
Cam: which will be never
Elena: i just feel worse
Cam: im sorry
10:25 pm
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