the saturday of thanksgiving break

the dirt parking lot seems full as we pull up

plastic lemonade cups litter the ground

the sun is still out

the carnival lights warming up

i put my car into park

i finish the rest of my iced coffee

you hand me your half-empty iced coffee

i drink that too

my fingers and ears freeze up 

my heart flutters

outside of the car you warm me with a side hug

my heart still flutters

walking toward the ticket booth

your profile says 

"excited, goal-oriented, calm in a surface-level kind of way"

how beautiful

you outpace me a little

i gladly trail behind

you pay for the most economical package:

unlimited rides

we start at the freak show

it has no line

a grandmother and granddaughter sit in the stands

facing an empty stage

i walk up to a cage

i begin sentimental conversation with the bearded lady

the bearded lady, sitting on a barrel

bearded contemplative cigarette drags

bearded avoiding eye contact
bearded
saying nothing

your arms wrap around my waist from behind

you place your chin on my shoulder

you mention the ferris wheel 

i say, “when it’s dark out.”

outside, the sun hides behind the attractions

the cold air of past month remains

you take my hoodie

my bones feel too close to the surface of my skin

i feel too translucent 

i feel cold

nothing bothers me

we walk through the haunted house

we laugh at the 42 inch height requirement

i run into a mirror 

you laugh some more

we lap around the house ten times, racing

"by the way, do you know the joys of being alone?"

outside, dark, a little disoriented

buy a funnel cake for six dollars

eat three quarters of it 

eat powdered sugar off the paper plate with licked fingers

standing side to side

scanning our surroundings

the ferris wheel - a white light 

glowing around its edge

red and blue and green lights

tessellating in its center

we flash our wristbands to the doorman

i jump over the waist-height plastic door

you open it, making sure it closes behind

metal gears struggle back to life

lights of the carnival shine below

faces reflect the lights to our eyes

they seem new and interesting and discernible
and red and blue and green

our seat traveling upward

we share warmth as the wind picks up

the ride stops at the peak

iMessage conversation after spending 22 consecutive hours together

8:58 pm 

Cam: *close up photo of penne pasta with garlic, chunked tomatoes, grilled chicken, basil, and garlic bread in a white plastic bowl*


Cam: *close up photo of Elena and Cam's hands intertwined in natural lighting*


9:15 pm


Elena: looks good


9:20 pm


Cam: why are you upset with me


Elena: just don't like when you point out that i ask too many questions


Elena: feels bad


Cam: i'm sorry i could have been more kind


Elena: it's fine


Cam: i want to be more kind with you


Elena: what do you mean


Cam: i mean when you're upset it makes me upset


Cam: i want to be more kind with you so as to upset you less


Cam: if i can do that and still be honest and upfront with you


Elena: i think i have fairly tough skin for a lot of things that one just hits home i guess


Cam: ill just try to be more considerate


Cam: if im an irredeemable asshole then please let me know


Elena: you're not


Elena: i'm alright


Cam: okay


Cam: i think im not fun to be with sometimes


Elena: i had fun with you today


Elena: i could tell your energy was getting lower as the night went on


Elena: you seemed annoyed with me by the time we were eating


Cam: i wanted to be alone i think


Cam: or i was uncontrollably acting in a way that makes other people around me uncomfortable


Elena: you know you can just tell me when you want to be alone


Elena: i'd prefer that over feeling like a nuisance


Cam: that's what i mean


Cam: i make people feel like they are a nuisance


Elena: it's nothing you do


Elena: it's how i interpret myself


Elena: when you're quiet and calm and i am still making jokes or talking excessively i feel annoying because it's clear that you are not at that same level as me


Cam: if we're doing nothing then it's not annoying


Cam: if i am trying to focus on something, and i think it's obvious when i am, then i just don't want to be distracted


Cam: but just because i seem 'calm,' 'quiet,' doesn't mean you have to be calm and quiet too


Elena: well i know i don’t have to be but it’s hard not to feel like i’m overbearing or too much


Elena: like the moment you said i ask so many questions that was it and in my brain you had basically confirmed that i am intensely annoying and i hated myself for everything i’d said for like the past hour


Elena: and had i been quiet or calm or at your level then it wouldn’t have happened and i wouldn’t have felt annoying


Cam: i should have just considered your question for what it was and answered it


Cam: instead i used the question to make a general statement about your character


Cam: the general statement wasn’t about your asking too many questions


Cam: it was about your questions suggesting some kind of weak mindedness


Cam: which was just some kind of self imposing on my part


Elena: oh


Cam: i dont really think you are weak minded


Cam: i only thought that because in that moment it didn’t line up with some ideal i had or have about how people should see the world


Cam: you asked if people knew that the trails around school were used by students


Cam: you asked if anyone was allowed to crawl up on the outdoor stage and perform like that bassist


Elena: i know you are being upfront and honest with me and i appreciate that but somehow this new angle hurts quite a lot more and i hadn’t realized the depth or meaning of your comment i guess and now i want to go take a shower


Cam: and i just thought and said without considering the thought that you look for permission too much and you have some kind of ‘domesticated’ way of thinking


Elena: i didn’t know i look for permission too much


Cam: that might not have been my exact thought


Cam: either way i was judging your character which i promised myself i wouldn’t do until i myself had nothing about my character that could be criticized


Cam: which will be never


Elena: i just feel worse


Cam: im sorry


10:25 pm

walking into my apartment complex's retention pond with a pocket full of silver dollars and an exact replica of the pistol john wilkes booth used to kill abraham lincoln

ameliorating personal depravity with an unsustainable amount of self isolation